My writing problem

I treat ideas like I treat romantic relationships. I love to flirt with an idea, get a feel for it without the need to truly commit to it and that is the core of my problem as a writer. I’m scared to commit to ideas as I feel I might never give them the justification they deserve then pushing me towards not trying at all.

As I write this, the time is 2 am and I’m comforted by the darkness surrounding me as I pace around listening to music to soothe my raging anxiety. I get anxious when I think so while everyone else in the flat is fast asleep I and my thoughts find ourselves in that ever familiar place. This nameless place which I can only describe as standing in the middle of the desert and seeing nothing but space around you. It’s a feeling of being surrounded by something so vast you’re sure you’re amazed by it but unsure of what to do with your amazement.

I get these sudden spurs of inspiration when I have an idea of what to put down but these moments are so rare and powerful that when they happen they tend to overwhelm me. And because my thought process is a very restless one, all my ideas tend to have a correlation between them so they are never fully formed.

My problem stems from my belief in the existence of fully formed ideas which juxtaposes with the nature of topics I think about. How am I to draw conclusions on topics like bravery and friendship when these are still concepts I’m relatively naive about? How am I to draw a conclusion on fatherhood when this is a concept I only have a one sided view on?

An acquaintance of mine recently brought forth a solution which has helped with this issue. When these moments of inspiration and genius come I seize them and put down whatever emotion I’m feeling at the moment.

“Just write it down”.

Now I don’t think about how perfect my ideas are or how contradictory they are. I just write them down and figure it out later.

I’ve come to realise that my relationship with my ideas is not one that should draw to a conclusive end. As these ideas are constant in daily life my relationship with them should evolve as I grow.

Im accepting that I’m bad with precise conclusions. I’m bad with absolutes because I think in a general manner as life is not binary. It’s not ones and zeros or definite right or wrongs. It’s a wide array of appropriate behaviours as a result of diverse experiences.

My purpose of writing is not to draw conclusions or objectively answer a question. I want to take you through a journey and leave you with more questions and thought than you came in with. I want to confuse and not convince you because is there anything we’re ever fully convinced on?